Sunday, August 26, 2012

Inevitable Edited

I owe you guys this for like a really long time, but i was just too lazy to do this. So my editor, Liana Chau, also known as my book buddy, lol, had a  fun time editing this. And she did like a lot. So yah. Have fun reading the new version~

"Wait! Don't leave yet!" he shouts.

How did he know I was going to leave? I turn on my heel to face the boy I've seen so much in the past two months. I gulped, hard. I knew I had to leave him behind, so why did I feel so reluctant?

"Why won't you take me with you?" he blurts. He's serious. I see it in his expression. He reddens, his tan skin turning a shade of scarlet, which looks quite cute on him, and I realize I've been staring for a second too long.  "I know I'll be helpful!" he continues recklessly, obviously not giving up. " We, uh.." he hesitates. "we can start a life together." he says quietly.

It's now or never, I thought. If I don't leave soon, I fear I won't be able to leave later. Am I really supposed to put my love life before my family? "I'm sorry, Bran." I whispered through the curtain of hair that hung in front of my face, not caring if he heard or not. Then, I ran.


"Elle!"

I heard my name being screamed. Oh, no! I widened my eyes. It has to be Rae. I turned my head to look for my little sister, but the next thing I knew, I was facing the dirt road, having carelessly crashed into a tree.

"Are you alright?" the sweet, little, innocent voice that I'm so familiar with asks, concern full in the tone, reminding me of all the time I spent with her in our small little village, Feyton.

Tears filled my eyes, threatening to spill. 

"Are you seriously crying like a little girl, Elle? Even I don't do that anymore! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Oh, Arabelle." Rae says, shaking her head with a sigh, her brown hair floating about in the wind.

Rae's acting brings a sad smile to my lips, but reality's harshness instantly goes through my mind again, and the smile disappears.

"Listen, Rae." I look her in the eyes.  "Tell Mom I'm going somewhere and it's going to be a while before I come back home."

"Where are you going? I want to go too!" she whined. She was rarely like this. She hardly ever whined, much less threw tantrums. 

A solemn smile flashes on my face. "Rae, just do what I sayokay? And tell mom I'll send letters explaining."

"But-" she starts to protest. I silence her with my next statement.

"It's getting dark, Reina. Go home before mom worries." 

Before Rae could say anything, I stood, leaving my sister on the road. I sprinted toward the gate that leads to the main road. I have minutes before the gate closes for the night, and I won't get another chance for a whole twenty-four hours if I miss this one.

Quickly, I rummaged in my pockets for all the belongings I planned to take. The stack of cash?

Yep. It will last at least a month in the city, enough time for me to find a job.

Dad's watch?


Yep. Mom's going to hate me for it, but I need a reminder of home
, and especially ,Dad.

And lastly, my heart. I knew I couldn't focus with my heart still half at home. With a firm nod to myself, I sprinted past the gate and melted into the darkness of the road that would be the first step to my new life.

Liana's feedback: omg why is it highlighted yellow. Ignore the yellow-ness of my feedback. Anyway, I think that's it's a good beginning and it totally captures readers. Inevitable is the perf name for it. (x yeah. I seriously think it's a bit short for a chapter but it's all good. Try to make your chapters longer later because having 100 chapters isn't cute. Also, divide your story into three or two sections to achieve the desired length of your story. Oh yeah. And when you're writing, you have to use present tense or past tense throughout the whole story, like,  "he shouts," right, so then the next line goes like. "turned around." And it doesn't make sense. You have to do present tense the whole time! Ahhh. It's hard I know. kajfklsdj Oh yes, and here's a tip: LET HER GET ROBBED, AND THEN SOME GUY COMES RESCUE HER. That one guy.. Kendell. Yeah. Don't make the romance too awkward if you know what I mean. :D

Incend stuff: I'm still not done revising Chapter 3, man! Guhh. Well, less work for you. Anyway, yeah. kk!


The yellow part is Liana's editing. And feedback. lool. And it looks like i need to help her edit Incend more. lol

 

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